So we’ve briefly scratched the surface about my (obsessive) pregnancy nightmare: Weight Gain. Now, I’m seemingly more terrified about saddlebags than I am about diaper bags – but can you blame me? I have prided myself on being one fine power-bitch piece o’Azzz. I am a Hollywood Publicist, after all. I also fall into the 1 percentile of women over the age of 40 living in LA whose only Nip Tuck experience has come via Netflix. So, if you’re like me, you’re already freaking the FUG out about getting your ass back before you’ve even kissed it’s fineness BUH-BYE. It gets worse when you’re flipping through US WEEKLY, where for $3.99 you can feel like other people’s genetics are giving you the finger. Especially when you spot _______ (enter A-List celebrity actress name HERE), who was toting twins in her uterus in a mere week ago, and then– miraculously- is on the beach this morning in St. Barts with a six pack and a string bikini. I mean…..REALLY? This is always the defining moment where I become “that pregnant bitch” screaming WTF! out loud to strangers.  Now, this may sound incredibly naïve, BUT….what do famous women have (besides trainers, an endless money supply, and personal chefs) that we don’t have? Does Jennifer Hudson’s visible new waistline really mean there’s hope? So I dedicate this question to you, Sarah Jessica Parker, J.Lo, and Kate Hudson: how the F do your friggin’ waists snap back to a size 25 like a rubber band on a 4th graders sling shot, huh? After a hard, late night Google search, I obtained a tenacious new mantra: TACKLE BABY WEIGHT GAIN WHILE YOU’RE GAINING IT. DO. NOT. WAIT. Call me obsessive, call me crazy…. but I’m preventative by nature, so weight gain can SUCK IT.  As of last week, I’m doing Pilates 3 times a week. My stomach may be growing to be the size of a small Pizza Hut, but not for long…. I’m making baby weight my BITCH. I’ll call it “Organic Plastic Surgery,” and if that means start ing at 18 weeks, so friggin’ be it.


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