Five Month Sonograms and the Water Works

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So I know this blog is a totally outrageous example of cyber literature that a pregnant woman has ever self published. I understand that some may perceive me as “Mommy Blogging’s Black Sheep,” since my straight-talking, potty mouthed, no holds barred writing style is perhaps the most offensive art form a preggars – publicist could ever digitally thrust into the world. I get it. I’m sure my elder relatives have shoved their necks deep into the mud as this link circles it’s way around my family. But hell, I am who I am (said one fellow sailor man).

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Babercise

So we’ve briefly scratched the surface about my (obsessive) pregnancy nightmare: Weight Gain. Now, I’m seemingly more terrified about saddlebags than I am about diaper bags – but can you blame me? I have prided myself on being one fine power-bitch piece o’Azzz. I am a Hollywood Publicist, after all. I also fall into the 1 percentile of women over the age of 40 living in LA whose only Nip Tuck experience has come via Netflix. So, if you’re like me, you’re already freaking the FUG out about getting your ass back before you’ve even kissed it’s fineness BUH-BYE. It gets worse when you’re flipping through US WEEKLY, where for $3.99 you can feel like other people’s genetics are giving you the finger. Especially when you spot _______ (enter A-List celebrity actress name HERE), who was toting twins in her uterus in a mere week ago, and then– miraculously- is on the beach this morning in St. Barts with a six pack and a string bikini. I mean…..REALLY? This is always the defining moment where I become “that pregnant bitch” screaming WTF! out loud to strangers.  Now, this may sound incredibly naïve, BUT….what do famous women have (besides trainers, an endless money supply, and personal chefs) that we don’t have? Does Jennifer Hudson’s visible new waistline really mean there’s hope? So I dedicate this question to you, Sarah Jessica Parker, J.Lo, and Kate Hudson: how the F do your friggin’ waists snap back to a size 25 like a rubber band on a 4th graders sling shot, huh? After a hard, late night Google search, I obtained a tenacious new mantra: TACKLE BABY WEIGHT GAIN WHILE YOU’RE GAINING IT. DO. NOT. WAIT. Call me obsessive, call me crazy…. but I’m preventative by nature, so weight gain can SUCK IT.  As of last week, I’m doing Pilates 3 times a week. My stomach may be growing to be the size of a small Pizza Hut, but not for long…. I’m making baby weight my BITCH. I’ll call it “Organic Plastic Surgery,” and if that means start ing at 18 weeks, so friggin’ be it.

Summer Can Suck It

Ok, I took a bit of a hiatus from blogging, but it’s summer, right? We’re supposed to be friggin’ lazy. Well, let me clarify: my cyber sloth did not stem from lounging poolside slurping down butt loads of spiked lemonade and eating sushi at 10pm followed by throwing back shots in an open-air rooftop lounge […]

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Bumpapalooza

Who DOESN’T have a bump these days? As I was cruising an outdoor newsstand on Sunset the other day, I was generously reminded that being preggars is t0-tal-ly “trendy.” In 2012, Celeb Baby News has replaced Tinseltown Trainwrecks. Famous hollywood ladies are wearing panties again! Those who once toted Frappuccinos now solely carry green concoctions […]

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Preggers Note to Self: Don’t Be a P*ssy

Most “Mommies to Be” partake in a list of new activities that usually include the following: stroller shopping, sponge painting baby ducks onto walls in the neo-nursery, researching holistic hair dye, and avoiding sushi restaurants like the plague. Now, not to toot my own horn, but I was never one to follow the herd; preferably, […]

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Shredasaurus Rex

My mid section may be growing by the minute, but that doesn’t prevent me from frequenting my main haunts that keep me waking up in the morning – Barney’s, Saks, Fred Segal. Any place I can caress Choo’s and Loub’s, I’ll take it. Now, I know you have heard about the maniachal tendencies that us […]

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PUNK your Husband: Four Months, Fast Forward

Dear Pregzilla Queens, Ever want to PUNK your husband? To do so, you will need the following: 1 Faux Baby Bump 1 Super Tight Shirt A Pinch of Whiny Ass Attitude 2 Fat Jokes A Cray Cray Mood Swing 1 Maniacal Smile Now, I’m only 6 weeks in…..(which, according to “baby people,” I’m almost criminally […]

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Rack City

I’ve made it into my 40’s, and I never succumbed to the pressure to get implants. Which is a friggin’ miracle, given the fact that A) I live in LA and B) I work in the entertainment business, where plastic surgeons are on every speed dial, street corner and strip mall. So for any of […]

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Fat Days A.K.A. My New Reality

I’m going to take a moment to toot my own horn here: I made it past 40, and I’m STILL hot. Calm down, it’s not overconfidence or conceit — and my ego, while healthy, is not inflated. It takes blood, sweat, and tears not to let yourself go. I have worked my ASS OFF to […]

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The Perks: Husbands Tackling Domesticism

Once I discovered I was pregnant, my husband, Thomas, suddenly transformed into Bobby Flay. Wait, why didn’t I think of this sooner? He’s now cooking up a storm-  but isn’t that only fair? My body’s cookin’ this little bun in the oven 24/7! Hot flashes vs. hot stove….I think NOT. Little tip for all you […]

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